Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
