So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
