my soul wont recognize me after tonight
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Randomize
