there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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