every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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