New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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