If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I see more hoeing in ur future
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