I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
