I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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