Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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