so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Randomize
