So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
