I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
