my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
