You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
