apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
