A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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