I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
