Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize