Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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