What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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