Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
