Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
