Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
