Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Randomize
