Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
