Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Randomize
