remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
