I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
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