I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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