Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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