i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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