Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
