I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
My ass is underappreciated
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
