i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
