My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
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