you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
