just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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