I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
