This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Randomize
