Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
