Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Randomize
