Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Randomize
