I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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