I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
