Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
