Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
