your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
