She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
