Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
