He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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