We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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