Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Holy shit dude........stairs
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