Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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