I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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