Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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