he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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